Socializing Without A Drink In My Hand Is Awkward

At the age of 13 I had my first drink. I remember being both terrified and excited by the way the room was spinning. It was a relief, something else to feel, something new, something better than the way I felt my whole life up until that moment. This was the first red flag, but it would take me 8 years to realize it.

My relationship with alcohol was, well I had a relationship with alcohol. That was my problem.

By the time I was 14 I was going out with 20 somethings.

It escalated from there and I went through a phase that involved other people telling me what I said the night before, and having to be carried to the tub where I might’ve fallen asleep once or twice.

Did I stop? Nope. Not for a while.

I was in some toxic relationships. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do or where I was going. The frustration, anger, fear and overwhelm made me want to escape my life and my body.

Then one day I got lucky. It wasn’t a joy ride though. Luck for me at that time was relationships ending, me living alone for the first time and the Universe/God throwing me into some serious “this is your life” solitude.

It was the first time in my life that I spent time alone. I fell in love with it.

I focused on going to writing and recording sessions, vocal coaching, dance classes, writing songs at home and working. It was like a detox and I got to reconnect with myself. Maybe connecting for the first time, actually.

Once I found myself back in the world, going to events, performing etc., the drinking came back. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Now I found myself in a more socially acceptable range. Sometimes drinking until my boyfriend and I would end up in some drunken argument or just drinking enough to power through another night in another place surrounded by people I needed to drink to be around. Sometimes it was because they were unbearable in a club setting and other times it was my crippling social anxiety.

I was in this cycle of forcing myself to go to things then drinking to tolerate those spaces and sometimes I’d even have fun.

Why was I doing this to myself?

I was sabotaging myself, like drinking wine even though it made me drowsy and puffy the next day or drinking champagne even though without fail I would have a cold or a sore throat the very next day without fail. The fleeting moments of glasses clinking and cheese pairings I was trading for the hours and sometimes days of feeling like hot garbage just didn’t add up anymore.

Still, it wasn’t until someone close to me had to face their own alcohol abuse that I really dialed it down.

My world hasn’t been the same since.

Not smoking weed (or anything else) means I don’t really hang with people who love to smoke, cause they hang with other smokers.

If I don’t want to drink, it can make alcohol centric events a bit awkward since it’s kind of expected that everyone will imbibe. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable when they find out you’re not drinking. The best thing to do is order a mocktail in those situations. Sometimes people do ask the very normal “what are you drinking?” question and that can make it awkward depending on who’s asking.

Eventually I found myself declining more and more invites, skipping industry type events (which I never liked but could do with a few drinks). It became kind of isolating to be honest. Actually it was very isolating. Meeting new people often goes hand in hand with drinking. It’s boozy brunches, happy hours, open bars, cocktails. It’s everywhere.

I felt iced out of potential new connections in a way but what I gained was so much peace. It was a trade off I was willing to make.

It made me a bit sad when I realized how much we depend on alcohol just to talk to each other.

This year, I made more of an effort to connect with people around other things and in different spaces related to creating around makeup, music, wellness and showing support however I can. I never imagined my life could be so enriched by making that little tweak.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been but way less involved than ever in scenes that sell the promise of happiness and nights you won’t forget. I did all that, I don’t remember a lot of those nights. I’ve gone out with friends who drink and don’t care if I am or not and it’s always so much fun!

Whether anyone chooses to drink or not, I just hope we can remember it’s about connecting and not about what’s in our cups.

Photo: Tarik Carroll

Styling: Jonatan Mejia