Quarantine Dreams

Where does the time go?

I swear 2020 has been a truly unprecedented year. January felt like a slow/fast fall thru stardust.

February was non-stop energy, I was playing for team no days off and team no sleep.

March started out with a different promise. The idea that I would be able to slow down was exciting! I remember saying to myself, after the 12th I’m taking some time for me.

*Before I continue, I just want to acknowledge and thank all essential workers. From grocery stores, to transportation, to hospitals and beyond. Thank you!

I have always appreciated you and respected you, and my reverence during this time only intensifies with each passing day. Thank you! *

So, I wanted to take some time away from the grind.
Well, I got time. Lots of it. You know what else I got? An apartment.

Yes, I moved in the middle of all of this, and I’m pretty sure a post on “How To Handle Moving During A Pandemic” is on the horizon.
Moving was both an anchor and a major source of stress.

Many of us are anxious, and the future feels more uncertain than usual - maybe more than ever. I definitely had a few WTF?! moments, but they haven’t stuck.

Overall, I am strangely calm, and I’m not sure how to feel about it besides grateful. So, I’ve resigned myself to not trying to figure it out and being more grateful every day.
I guess the alternative is panicking and creating my own personal hell.

Oh, I’m really good at that. There’s a part of me that recognizes this moment as a time to slip into some old familiar feelings. Most of my life was chaos and uncertainty, but a part of me that I’m still growing towards just won’t allow it.

Yes, things are absolutely crazy right now and there is no denying that. I wish I could make it all go away, but unfortunately, I can’t make it stop.

So what can I control? My thoughts. That’s all.

That’s all I have to work with, to mold, and in a very important way, it truly is everything in my tiny little world.

I’ve cried twice since this all became so real for us here in NYC.

Once, for all the people suffering, for those who have died, and for children quarantined in abusive homes. The second time I cried was when I learned a company I love and have worked with for years had to cancel an entire season of performances here in the city. This came on the heels of a canceled trip to DC, which is something we do every year.

That second round of tears was a mix of devastation, shock and fear. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wakes up more often than not these days and realizes things are actually worse than the day before. I took 2 days off from checking the news and I was in Lala land. We can’t afford to visit there right now. We definitely need to stay informed. I keep it to once a day, twice if there is a major development.

Maybe I was being optimistic (Sagittarius), but I didn’t think we’d still be on this semi lock down/quarantine. The severity of the situation has just been unfolding so quickly. So much conflicting information had been floating around and I think we’ve spent the better part of the past month sorting through it all.

A mantra appeared for me in all of this. I’m sharing it in case it resonates. If I have a thought that could’ve sent a former version of myself spiraling, I say to myself “this program is not supported.”

When I first heard it, I froze. What just happened? Where was this coming from?

Even though I’ve felt calm for the most part, there were moments when I would catch myself using my imagination to start seeing some worst case scenarios. They couldn’t gain any momentum though, they would spark then get hit with “this program is not supported.”

Then I started focusing on everything that is good and being more ok with feeling good.

What does it mean though? I think it means the work I’ve been doing on myself is starting to take. I can’t run the same thoughts, the same patterns, the same loops, the same programs.

It has been a humbling realization, because while I get to embody this new wisdom I’m experiencing what can only be described as an “urge” - which puts me square in the mirror with the creator of my experience, me.

Am I walking on sunshine every minute of the day? Absolutely not. The only reference I have for this feeling is after my grandma passed away and I was in the “acceptance” stage of the grieving process.

I believe the only power I can exert in a time like this is acceptance and love. It’s a balancing act, and I wobble a bit sometimes, but every day I wake up and I keep practicing.

Please be safe 💜

One last thing, Paper Magazine spoke to 17 creatives, I happen to be one of them, and we are all sharing how Covid-19 is affecting us as well as how we’re all coping. Here’s the link: https://www.papermag.com/interviews-coronavirus-music-business-2645539904.html

Photo by Pawel Nolbert on Unsplash