The Guilt of Not Protesting
The gratitude and admiration I have for those who protest is beyond what I can articulate. So first and foremost, thank you!
No matter what I do, it feels like not physically being out there protesting is the exclamation point missing from the intent behind my efforts.
In my mind, I understand there are different ways of showing up and not everyone is built for each one. Somewhere else in my mind, and I haven’t identified the source of this feeling, that truth isn’t fully accepted.
Aside from the trauma of this moment in history, the constant re-opening of the invisible wounds we as black people have been assigned to tend to our entire lives, and simply trying to live while black, this feeling of guilt on top feels dangerous. At least it did, until this week.
As many of us have, I grew up around violence, experiencing violence and ultimately surviving it…so far.
To clarify, it’s not my intention to suggest protests are innately violent. I’ve heard many stories, seen many photos and videos clips that positively counter the mainstream media’s narrative.
For me it’s the combination of large crowds and the possibility of any violence, which as I’ve seen is often instigated by outsiders.
Protests are necessary, and at the same time have always been a triggering event for me.
I feel inspired by the images and crippled by even imagining myself out there.
Guilt in this kind of scenario, as I understand it, comes from a desire to do more.
So in response to my unreasonable and unproductive guilt: I’ve been educating myself more, finding black owned companies and sites, buying black aka with more intention, continuing to share some of what I’m learning and today I attended my first vigil. Of course you know we’re all sending those e-mails, signing and sharing petitions and making donations.
It seems this brand of guilt is like a stagnant energy that needs to be used to propel us forward.
On the other hand I was also raised Catholic by my Haitian grandma so this guilt thing may also just have layers.
I like my current version of its purpose though.
My friend AnnaLiisa helped me so much with this statement:
“YOU ARE VALUABLE. No matter how you help. Donate, call, use your platform.”
This was so comforting and it spoke to the part of me that believes these words and maybe needed to know it wasn’t just my own reasoning. Having that mirrored was important.
On one hand I’m like, hey I’m a makeup artist with a passion for music. I don’t know enough about all of this.
I have a lot to learn, and a lot of work to do.
It occurred to me that others were grappling with this feeling, so hoping this share is a comfort if you’re one of those people.
You’re not alone.
Ever since diving a bit deeper into my commitment to know better and do better, the guilt from watching clips of protests that felt like a heavy weight on me has turned into that feeling you get watching an icon inspiring you to dream big. Like wow, that’s incredible. I wish I could be there.
Taking that feeling and putting into more action has been important for me.
Protestors inspire, and motivate me. They activate me.
Gratitude ends up taking up too much space for guilt to thrive.
If you’ve struggled with that guilt, I hope you find something to replace it with.
“YOU ARE VALUABLE. No matter how you help. Donate, call, use your platform”.
Movies of the week:
Self Made (Netflix): Trailer
8:46 (Youtube): Dave Chapelle like we’ve never seen him before. Full video.
Da 5 Bloods (Netflix): Spike Lee’s latest offering. Trailer
Photo Credit:
@jeppemoenster of Unsplash.