Loner, Outcast or Hero? We’re Forgetting How To Have Meaningful Connections
Any day on social media clicking through a few stories and scrolling a timeline you’re bound to run into quotes about “being the table” or “be so good they can’t ignore you” or some other version of pumping the reader up to amplify the feeling that no one thinks you’re good enough, you’re alone, not supported or believed to be qualified enough. The only way to prove otherwise is by becoming ultra powerful, and letting “them” know you did not come to play. Success will speak for you. Right?
Well yes and no.
The trends around quote cards, captions and general behavior among the “I got next” sect are troubling.
It’s almost religious to work in silence, and reply “I’m fine” when asked how you’re doing. Never ask for help, never share your struggles, or doubts, wake up early, go to sleep late, hustle & build. Repeat.
Vulnerability is generally saved for the online persona, used as an aspect of brand building but hardly experienced IRL.
It’s treated like an asset to be rolled out solely through social media channels to advance an agenda.
I’m afraid so many of us are building glass houses of isolation.
The other day I saw a video of a girl with over 250,000 views, and even more subscribers talk about feeling lonely and having no friends.
She was so excited to hang out with a couple of people visiting her city only to have them cancel when she was on her way. She said this happened often.
It seems like while we’re all plotting world domination, most of the world is lumped into the proverbial “they” and treated as such.The chasm this creates between us and potential friends is heartbreaking to think of.
During my recovery I realized I couldn’t wrap my head around having visitors because I wasn’t mobile. I felt a bit useless to be completely honest, which I understand is far from the truth. If I was visiting someone else I would never even have that thought. However, as is often the case, I have to dig much deeper to extend that same compassion to myself.
This is what happens when doing becomes our source of self worth over being.
On one hand it was disappointing that a few friends never checked on me and on the other I was quietly relieved that I wouldn’t have to be in such a state around most people, with the exception of 3 who visited and a couple of others who offered but I felt it might be a burden to them. Maybe even boring.
This experience brings my grandmother to mind. She was often visiting someone in the hospital or at their home.
It was a normal part of her life to look after others and for others to look after her.
Now I understand why she treated visiting people with such urgency, even though as a kid I was always ready to leave once we got there.
They spent time together that wasn’t about networking and “building relationships” in the way it seems now, with this behavior being career centric.
She had such a beautiful community around her my whole life.
They really looked out for each other.
Their friendships ran deep. It seemed like they were each other’s home base.
When my grandmother’s sister died her friends came to our apartment and laid white fabric all around her bedroom floor. They all sat with her, consoled and held her or laid hands over her as she grieved.
They knew what songs so sing, they knew to be silent when she cried out and when to say a prayer. I’ll never forget that day, it made such an impression on me. A room full of women, this unspoken knowingness and lots of white fabric
My grandmother who was always a leader felt safe and was able to let go and accept the support of her community.
Now that I think of these are the kinds of stories we hear of people who have strong cultural ties. They tend to be connected to generations of tradition. Even though so many of us come from different backgrounds they all had this knowledge but these practices don’t mix well with a culture of capitalism.
It feels like we’re losing touch with this part of being human. We’ve become so self conscious in the face of tragedy or life’s inevitable curve balls that we underestimate the power of presence, the power of showing up, of a phone call.
We present it as being too busy but I think we’re afraid. We’re afraid of awkward silence, of not knowing what to say or do. I’ve definitely felt crippled by moments like that. It can make us feel like we have nothing offer.
Our ambition is aimed at increasing our income. Very little if any of that energy is put towards consciously creating meaningful non-romantic connections.
I’m afraid we’re all becoming fair weather friends, and not because we’re not capable of more but because it’s easier.
I suspect that the anxiety many of us feel is in part the result of a lack of deep friendships.
This seems to follow logically when you consider that being part of a community irl is linked to lessened anxiety, a boost in self-esteem, a decreased likelihood of depression and in later years - a longer lifespan.
The benefits of community are well researched and documented, but somehow we feel mostly exempt from these findings.
We’re wired to be social. We share mirror neurons. There are parts of us that exist purely to support and understand one another.
So many of us grew up identifying with the outcast, the loner or even the hero in movies. What do they all have in common?
They isolated, worked underground, lived in a secret place, they disappeared and emerged only for certain life events that generally centered them.
It might sound silly but I believe this contributed to the current program so many of us running. It’s so deeply imbedded we think it’s who we are.
Remember, media is the first thing used to manipulate a population.
I hope it’s not too late for us.
