Going Out Sober

I had my first drink when I was 13.

All I remember is being in a Brooklyn basement  and feeling both a little scared and excited that the room was spinning.

At 15 I had that “cool” relative that lets you go out to the bars with them and their friends, all 10+ years older, making horrible choices like Long Island Iced Teas and *barf* Brandy Alexanders. 

One night I came home so sick. I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, dinner and myself. My grandmother heard me, came into the bathroom and said “you better not be pregnant” in Kreyol. Her tone of voice was one of fear and frustration. I was kinda busy, so I didn’t even respond. I was too depleted to react.

By 18 I had hit my stride I guess you can say.

Once I was assisting an entrepreneur. She asked me to make some calls and I was so nervous, I drank to make the calls.

Naïve as I was, I called my uncle so excited and explained that when I drank I didn’t feel nervous about making the calls.

His tone changed and got very serious.

He said “never make that connection again”.

There was some other stuff said, but my uncle made it clear to me that managing my nerves with alcohol for work was a really bad idea.

News to me.

So I kept my drinking to more acceptable hours and spaces.

Drinking became one of my favorite pastimes. 

My friends (or whoever was around me when I was in that state) would recount the previous night’s events often to the sound of me saying “omg, I said that?!”

I was a bit of a party drunk.

Whenever I’d walk into a party/event I knew I had to go straight to the bar and get completely out of my mind not to notice all the reasons I didn’t really want to be there. 

I used to internalize all the energies around me. It drove me a little crazy.

My goal was to get out of my head and body as quickly as possible. I wanted to be both numb and free. I’d call that an oxymoron from where I stand today.

My wires were so crossed. I didn’t realize I had spent 6 years by the time I was 19 picking up one vice after another, because I couldn’t just be with myself or anyone else really.

It didn’t stop there.

Took me a few years to begin to truly see myself.

It’s interesting. You realize that certain places are really not designed for you to be sober. Literally. The environment is created with the desired state of mind of its patrons considered in every detail. These venues seduce us in a lot of ways, but whatever we think we’ll get out of it on a subconscious level is never there. So we keep coming back.

I started going to parties when I was 11 or 12. Bashments in Brooklyn acting like I was grown to dancehall. Bars when I was 15 and clubs, I don’t even remember. Everything started so early. I got into things I won’t even delve into here.

The thing is I also loved to dance. Somehow though drinking and dancing got really tangled up to the point where I used to only experience them together.

In spaces I used to frequent, you have to be under the influence of something or just extremely happy for some reason. I think I’ve felt the latter while sober in a club setting twice. Both were within the last 2 years.

Mostly I feel calm. I don’t feel the need to start or amp up a party anymore. 

I actually used to get paid to do that. That’s another story for another time.

Sometimes I just feel awkward and in those moments I kinda think, yup ok, I feel awkward. 

I could drink. There’s nothing wrong with drinking, this is definitely not some anti-drinking thing. It just depends on the person.

For me, the reasons I drank just didn’t sit well with me anymore. More and more it didn’t feel good or innocent or fun. It felt like a cop out. I had awakened to myself, and my tolerance for b.s. is already quite low and almost non-existent when it’s coming from myself.

I felt uncomfortable, so I drank. 

I was bored, so I drank.

I felt nervous, so I drank.

I’m simply exploring a different part of myself right now.

Sometimes that means being awkward in a social setting and I’m finally ok with that.

Photo: Erin Baiano

Styling: Kasha Reavis//KiphTheStylist

HMU: Ehlie Luna

Bikini - Gabriel Ostolaza

Chaps - Whatever 21

Vest - Fatale Madison