How I Got Out of My Most Toxic Relationship

I was always in a relationship.

In the fourth grade I had my 1st boyfriend. 5th grade brought my second boyfriend.

Then in junior high there was one, maybe I was in the 7th grade. It always meant walking to class together, walking home together, that kind of thing. Innocent.

Except maybe making out with the junior high boy. Less innocent but still.

At 14 I met my first “love”. The quotation marks came when my brain finally fully developed.

That relationship ended one night when we were supposed to be going out. I got to his building but he wasn’t answering. Beyond all reason, something told me to wait.

So I did.

It felt stupid but it was like my feet were glued to the floor of his building’s lobby.

Finally, he appeared.

That’s when I saw it.

He was coming down from his apartment with another girl. An older girl. My intuition was so strong but I didn’t know what that feeling was called at the time.

That guy is where my innocence ended. The spell was broken. I continued to be naive long after that but nothing was pure again for a long time.

After that disaster I was sent to live with my mom the same year. I met a boy in my new city a few months later and we started hanging out (read: were together for a year) but eventually that relationship ended violently. Won’t get into all that here.

About 2 years later I met someone else. My first serious relationship and 100% the most psychologically damaging of my life.

That relationship was running on codependency, drugs, alcohol, escapism and even got violent at one point.

We were like two meteors crashing into each other. Between us was a mind blowing collection of childhood traumas, insecurities, and unresolved issues.

It started with honesty and trust but it ended with short circuiting my relationship to my own intuition, to myself and me not wanting to be in any relationship ever again.

I dated here and there after that, but the light was out in me. To top it all off I was pursuing a career in the music business which as a woman is historically a dark and twisted endeavor. In short, men could not be trusted. It all left me feeling heartless and empty.

I was depleted and lost.

A blessing came though.

One night I attended my uncle’s meditation class and this woman came up to me and said “I understand you’re looking for a place to live.”

She was a friend of my uncle’s and at that time in my life, an absolute angel.

I was gifted a year rent free in her loft while she stayed in Jersey for the build out of her new home.

It was the first year that I was not only single, but I didn’t even date. That was the first year I developed a relationship with silence.

During that time and in that space, I had to face myself. If something didn’t feel right, it was harder to ignore for the first time.

I am so grateful for that time.

Once that year was up, a lot happened. To be very honest with you, the years get all jumbled up. Untangling them is work I’m not motivated to do. It was a mess!

Nothing good found me until I uncovered the truth. My relationship with myself was rotten and I was attracting more of the same like a magnet.

My most toxic relationship was the one I had with myself. That was the cloud following me everywhere.

It was impossible to shake degrading and disingenuous interactions because I wasn’t actively loving myself. Without that, there was no standard for being in my life. No wonder people were acting up! I rolled out the red carpet for bad behavior.

This all stemmed from never feeling good enough, from abandonment issues and fear.

I take full responsibility for my part in all of it.

Once I hit what was my true rock bottom (I had a couple of those before the actual bottom), I had to look at myself.

I started eating better, working out, meditating, reading more and I naturally morphed and felt more like myself than I ever had before.

That was the beginning of the end of that time in my life and a hard reset for me.

Self love is how I got out of my most toxic relationship. If you would’ve told me to “love myself” at that time I would’ve thought you were an idiot who doesn’t get how complicated my life was.

Of course my superficialities and vanity were confused for loving myself. Even that was let go at one point and I couldn’t see it.

Once I started to show up for myself it became impossible for anything that left me feeling drained, unappreciated or less than to remain active in my life. It just didn’t make sense anymore.

I went from trying to understand why I was being disrespected to this awakening where I can’t imagine why anyone would try.

Honor in relationships of all kinds became paramount. If that’s not there, neither am I.

I feel like I’ve developed a force field of protection by raising my vibration and it’s been growing ever since.

Spiritual, physical and mental wellness shot up my list of priorities. I started to think of what I can give and how can I do things better.

From time to time I may fall off course, I definitely stumble, but I would never ever want to go back.

I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

Photo: Erin Baiano

Asst: Joe Carrota

Styling: Kasha’s Reavis/KiphTheStylist

HMU: Ehlie Luna

Jacket - Gabriela Ostolaza

Top - Leanne Marshall

Shorts - 9 to 5 Socialite